Intervention!
by the beaver's panda
Summary: Lily Evans is slapped…no…tattooed in my brain like a calendar girl on a sailor's arm. Not if we have anything to do with it. James had an obsession with Lily, and it had to stop. But how? .:marauder fun and LJ as well:.


**Disclaimer: We own nothing but our incomprehensible humor.**

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**Chapter One: The Abduction of the Love Struck Stag**

James was happily walking around the corridors. He was in a good mood today. Heck! He was whistling himself a happy tune! It was a fine day and nothing could change that. Absolutely nothing.

"Oof!"

Perhaps not.

"Aaaaah!" he squealed, in an unusually high pitch that was almost impossible for the male species of the human race at any age, as he was violently pulled inside an empty classroom by an invisible force, a force also known as the illusive Sirius Black.

"What the hell are you guys phdhpdphppphhhmm!" he tried to wriggle free from the surprisingly strong grip of his other friend, Remus Lupin.

"Quick! Pete! Silence him!" Sirius ordered the boy standing with a roll of packaging tape at his side.

"Wormtail what is that?" Remus questioned eying the adhesive in his friend's hands.

"Packaging tape." he stated as he pulled on it making a dangerously scary sound.

James' eyes widened in fear of the possibilities of what his so called 'friends' had in store for him. Were they going to throw them into the Black Lake just because James made that you're-named-after-the-Giant-Squid-joke again? Had Sirius finally lost it? And why were Remus and Peter here? Were they Sirius' accomplices? Did they come willingly?! Peter maybe. Sirius can make Peter do anything. But Remus? Why Remus? What could he have done to turn good old reliable Remus on him?!?!

James looked up to Remus and looked at him straight at the eye as if to say, "Why Remus? Why have you betrayed me?"

Remus only returned his gaze as if saying, "It's for the greater good Prongs." He then turned to Peter and Sirius. "We are not using packaging tape! I told you to bring duct tape!" he protested.

"Same difference Moony! Besides, it's still going to keep him quiet." he grinned mischievously. "Wormy!" he snapped his fingers. "SILENCE THE STAG!!!" he ordered.

"Yes Mr. Padfoot Sir! SIIIIIIIIIIILENCE THE STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!" Peter saluted and taped James mouth with the adhesive. James of course tried to escape his certain doom but only failed miserably when, unsurprisingly enough, Sirius hit him on the head with a mini cauldron, as it was the Potions classroom.

"That should shut him up." Sirius dusted his hands and eyed his work.

"Was that really necessary?" Remus asked as he felt James' frame go limp. He heaved him up, trying to keep him in a standing position. "That cauldron looked really...really...really heavy."

"MINI cauldron! And yes, it's a necessary evil Moony. We both know it." Sirius wagged his finger in front of him and started tying James securely onto a chair. "Remember, we're all doing this for our Prongise." he added. "Well, now that he's unconscious" Sirius' tone quickly changed. "Let's proceed to Phase 2 shall we." he yet again grinned mischievously, rubbing his hands together. "LET THE INTERVENTION BEGIN!" Sirius cackled evilly, raising his hands up in the air in a sinister air.

"Must you do that every time?" Moony eyed his canine friend curiously. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, but all thoughts were ceased once a shower of saliva rained on him like a May drizzle. "Sirius, your spitting on me!" he wiped the slobber off his face.

"Oh I am sorry Moony, here have a handkerchief."

"Is that sanitary?"

"Ok then, let's take James' shall we?" he patted James' trousers for any sign of a handkerchief. It was almost like he was feeling him up. It was a motion that sprung James to consciousness.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" was the only thing they could hear through the packaging tape upon his mouth. Sirius and Remus fought hard to keep him from fidgeting his way to escape their grasps. Finally, Remus slapped their spikey haired friend and the fidgeting ceased.

"No use Prongs. There is no escaping this one." he shot an apologetic look James' way.

James looked wildly around the room, his vision blurred due to the fact that Sirius was wearing his glasses and making fun of his handicap.

"Oh look I'm Prongs!" he hit a wall. "Ouch." he rubbed his nose and took off the glasses and forced them on James' nose bridge. "Mate, you're as blind as a bat." he patted James' head sympathetically.

"Oh stop dilly dallying!"

All eyes were on Remus. Even the gagged James was flabbergasted at his creative use of senile vocabulary.

"Dilly dallying?" they simultaneously gasped. Of course, James' came out as 'mphmmm'. "You sounded like my mother." Sirius continued slapping him left and right unceasingly.

"The slaps aren't necessary!" Remus exclaimed as he backed off and started slapping Sirius. "Fishy slap fishy slap fishy slap!" Using one hand, he slapped Sirius' left and right cheek in succeeding motions.

"Double slap double slap double slap!" Sirius, in turn, slapped Remus with his left and right hand on his left and right cheek, respectively. It was a full blown slap fest!

"Stop it! We're on a tight schedule!"

"Peter's right." they immediately stopped their slap fest. "Let's bring out the stuff."

"Whsh shtff?!"

"Stuff stuff." It was a wonder that Sirius even understood his muffled words.

"Now Prongs. I promise to take off the tape if you promise to be really really quiet ok?" Peter pressed his cheek against James' and whispered as if it were a valuable secret.

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**The Beaver and The Panda**


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